Woof

So in a few short hours Paul and I will journey to a mythical land, the place known as Milton Keynes.

Snuggled next to the Snow Dome is a windy tunnel (parp) and Paul and I will be learning to freefly. This entails many attempts at trying to sit upright in the air and not fall flat on ones belly and face.

Want to see our humiliation? Well you can. Airkix provide multiple snaps every hour, and you can select which time and day to view on their view pictures link.

We will be in a group of six people being coached by 2 ace flyers. The times we will be flying (and thus to have wee peak) will be:

5th July: 10.00 - 11.00, 12.30 - 13.00, 15.00 - 15.30 & 16.30 - 17.30

6th July: 09.00 - 09.30, 10.00 -10.30, 14.30 - 15.30, 16.30 - 17.00 & 17.30 -18.00

Given a chance I'll be wearing my bright burning orange helmet. See you Friday or anon. Weeeeeeeee.

So public service bodies have to ensure that money is well and effectively spent (yep that's the statement). Public Toilets eh! How to measure?

Hmmmm. To wit - the notification:

... organised user counts to be carried out at the following toilets over the next few weeks. These will be carried out by enumerators who normally work on traffic surveys for Highways. It will involve them sitting discreetly in a car near each of the toilets all day, for four days per toilet in total. It is possible that local residents or other users may see them and wonder what they are up to ...

Yep. That's right. We are staking out toilets. Apparently sitting discreetly staring at public toilets.

I can't help but feel that this is a recipe for disaster.

Friday - love the day. Weather promises clear skies, Paul is due, no work to do. Almost the perfect set-up for a glorious day of pleasure.

How to start - why of course a sumptuous and indulgent shower, mmmm.

I got out of the shower and for some obscure reason had to call work. During the phone call I wandered around the house and found myself in front of the large sash window over the front door. I lowered the window, leaned on the frame and leaned out to take in a deep fresh gulp of glorious Friday morning air. Wonderful. Hello birds, hello trees, hello grass; hello two ladies walking down the road looking up at me. One hand holding the phone I lifted my other arm to wave a morning's greetings to some happy strangers.

NO!

Oh yes.

The Towel dropped. The ladies stopped. I nearly went red. They giggled. I apologised; leaving the towel behind I turned and left. Dum de dum dum.

A good way to wake up and get the blood pumping methinks.

Clouds of Joy and the rain of glee be upon you all; it covers me.

I'll post a picture when I get one, but I have my new jumpsuit. Be seen, be safe - that is what they said. That is what I am; that is not what they seem to be saying nowadays!

Oh well. Sigh.

I'm back, and front. However this will continue in a rather erratic form (much not unlike my self, the double negative king), as I shall rule the live journal, it shall not rule me, oh no (however it did send me a lovely little ring the other day that makes me feel rather potent ...).

Apologies to anyone who actually enjoyed my rambles for my long absence (all three of you know who you are), and to the rest of you - get with the torture.

Previously in Woof-land:

• Played poker, lost some, won some.
• Jumped out of planes
• Had an endoscopy
• had a barium meal - tastes like a fizzy Slimfast-shake (tm)
• Diagnosed with achalasia
• Went to Sevilla and ate many desayuno inglés
• Spanked into the ground on a bad landing, left a trench (El gran gorge woofio); lost consciousness, hobbled about like a crippled penguin for a few weeks
• Rediscovered books; read thirty within a month (no they weren't all mister men)
• Jumped some more - got my scout-esque award for holding hands in the air
• Shock & Horror - have sold a load of DVDs
• Got down to 14 stone on the button, but the ate my way up to nearly 15 stone, yummy

So that's about a summary of my last few months. Do you care? Thought so.

May you bunnies be bouncy and happy.

That's right, I am the scarlet pimperblogger and I am here or not. Anyway Hurrah for me, during my cyber absence I've been hurling myself out of planes for fun.

I've passed my Cat 8 jump this last Wednesday and have sent off for my A-Licence - that's right I am no longer a student. Buffety Paul and I are now licenced to turn up to any drop zone in the world and do a solo jump, how fab is that! Now to learn how to be safe in the air with other people. Bring on the relative work (not looking after elderly family).

Anyway, as I am no longer a Student I need to pull together some of my own kit - I've recently acquired an altimeter, hook knife (legal requirement - they want me to fly with a knife, I love this sport [cough]), goggles and I need to find a set of gloves that fit.

The other thing I need to get in the next two months is a jump suit. Baby's first jump suit. Now there are guidelines - bright light colours are likely to get dirty quickly, especially in areas that have frequent contact with the ground; for better flight the suits tend to be skintight, and rather clingy; like decorating a room you generally don't want more than three colours; I don't want to look too effeminate. Thus see below for the possible designs thus far. Some with my unique styling, some from friends - what do you think? Can you do better? If so have a play with the designer ...

Concepts / Designs are available for a look on flickr here are some of them to give you a flavour:


Flying Phoenix by Ant - my favourite concept, alas I don't like blue on myself


Hot air-filled Priest - great idea, joke would get old fast though


Who else? Ant again


Green and winged by Arwen, nice and simple


Lady Boy, erm I mean Girl Man suit by Claire


Burgandy! Dead ahead! Thanks Jakey


Patriot by Rob


Greatest American Hero by Rob - at least I can fly a little better now


A Tiger suit - If I jump in Africa I'm going to giggle each time I put in on, damn you Monty Python


Buzzzzzzz


Concept stealth suit - when looking from below it's sky coloured, from above ground covered, not dangerous, nooooo.


Bespoke by Rob - A good attempt to moderate something I'd like


I like black and the three primary colours, curses! too much red


Red, Black and gold, very oriental, but the blue crept in for the grips, I want to have it, I do, grrr just not there yet.


Just too much blue, but not by much, curses
So Check them out, tell me what you think and throw any ideas my way. Naturally there will be a House of Spank logo on there somewhere, lovely embroidered patch-y-goodness. Still the good news is if I get it wrong it'll last only about 200 odd jumps (well it is getting regularly whipped at by 120mph winds), so I can get a new one in 2 years, dum de dum dum, not a long time to look the fool eh!

I'm getting measured up (& prob ordering) on Wednesday. Hurrah.

Zombie Protocol enacted

Three to four hour flight from vegas, the seven and a half hour overnight flight from Chicago - all expected but a little wearying. All on time and hunky dorey (left the hotel at 8.30am, left Heathrow at about 11.40am local times). Then we got to Reading and the traffic, Sunday shoppers, got a little claustrophobic and slow. Ye gods how many denarii? How many shoppers?

We got the train station to discover that an electrical storm had led to a lighting strike that may have caused some damage in London between Paddington and Reading thus meaning a shut down of trains on this route. We had to wait around. About an hour later we were directed onto another train (evacuate of the london bound and readied to go back). One that would take us to Bristol Temple Meads before terminating in Bath Spa - somewhat a round about route. Further it would mean a longer walk from the station to home as we couldn't leave the short cut back way.

Presumptuous and egotistical I know, but it felt like the gods were having their little game with me. Curse them. More than a little grumpy from jet lag, long flights and periods of enforced restriction combined with carrying bags totalling 100lbs (45kg) I was just looking forward to getting home.

The train was cancelled in Bristol - no apparent reason except to laugh at the tired people. So another wait, this time in one of Bristol's beautiful picturesque dilapidated post-industrial graffiti-ridden areas. Lovely. Still only another 25 minutes delay until we take off and get home, I'm sure it'll all go well now ...

Just after I'd written the above there was another announcement - slight further delay and the journey of the train was cut short by two stops - something not mentioned when it pulled into Bath Spa. Oh well. I got a taxi home for the bags, and then one shower and chat with the lady later and I feel rather more relaxed.

I have milk for tea, football on the radio and blog entries to update. Huzzah and phew, up to date baby. Trying to stay awake until at least 7 p zzzzzzzzzzzzz.


For the final time photos of the holiday - flickr
Photos of the wedding only - flickr set

Drivel Protocol enacted

Speech - that most nerve-wracking of roles for the Best Man - there was not a natural time to deliver it, thus I escaped!

In a way I was a little put out that this was the case. I'd even prepared a few notes to help me deliver it. Admittedly the plan was for this to a brief (ca two and a half minutes) sincere message from the heart as I don't subscribe to the ridiculing a man on his wedding day. I am preparing a fuller BMS for the bigger wedding celebrationary do during next summer - to be entitled "What I've learnt from film and tv about love". Bugger I've research to do - all thoughts and example on a stamped addressed envelope (or email), they are all welcome.

Anyway let me share my notes, they may help you get the gist of what would have been said:

• Quickie - promo for real (it is Vegas)
• Made it on time
• Passion
• Angry sleep
• Have many happy, creative and caffeinated kids

What do you think? Winner eh?!?

Zombie Protocol enacted

Boing! I got up after very restful post-steak sleep with 35 minutes for ablutions and packing. Easy. We left.

The airport - we'd already been to the airport - loomed and then it was time to check in. I checked in two bags - one at 42lbs, and one full of chocolate and sweets alone (yes man can live on chocolate and sweets alone) at 17lbs - 1 lb under my baggage allowance, almost by magic. Rob checked in two bags, his and one full of clothes both dirty and clean jeans that were rather large for him, odd that. Speaking os sizes, it is my distinct pleasure to say that Rob and I share the same waistline - a victory of sorts for me. My Jeans are now 34/34 - my new name is Sponge Woof Square Pants; I'm sure I can squeeze that in somewhere. On the downside my boxers are now too loose for my jeans (makes undressing quicker, though there was near embarrassment in the changing rooms because of it. Soon I may have to ask a boon at the altar of Marks and Spencer, otherwise I'll need to hire a clown trombonist.

Some thoughts - even excess can get dull, Jake (if you are reading this feel shame) is one of the hardest people I've found to shop for, tipping culture can be wearying and beds can be too soft.

Well, on plane now heading to Chicago, and then on home. See you all soon.

As ever, photos of the holiday - flickr
Photos of the wedding only - flickr set

Zombie Protocol enacted

Friday dawned - hopefully I wouldn't be such a miserable git. Half Team Holiday were checking the shops on Black Friday (traditional shopping day of the year) and Rob and I headed Monte Carlo ho to play another tournament.

Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed, we registered, went for a coffee and then played. Rob went out second hand on an all-in - finally! For those of us that know, love and play poker with - this is classic Rob behaviour. There were 42 players in this tournament. I lasted about an hour and twenty minutes (longer than last time) and was the 25th person out. I was happy with all my play (not rigid like the first game but a tight game with some of my usual playing added in) apart from one hand when I blew my stack after 20 minutes on a foolish bet (pair of kings in the hand, nothing higher than a queen on the table - I had the chap who went all in beat but afterwards another joined and took the lot, foolish risk). I did however enjoy my final all-in which should have let me quadruple through (to be second highest chip stack) but on the river my best hand was trumped by the man who stayed in with just a jack/six hitting the straight. Sigh. Was congratulated, seemingly as ever, by a bling wearing scary man for being a gentleman as I left. Great fun.

Rob commiserated with a tasty fish, fish-free, fatburger visit and two games of chess (one all). Due to his shopping-phobia (anyone know if this has a name?) we sent Rob home and two hunter-gatherers headed off to the Premium Outlet Mall for our second visit. I got some more clothes and then wizzed back - the easiest shop in history. Sucessful hunt, happy men, need fire, meat to follow later.


I tried to use the giant cupric green queen, but Rob wouldn't let me
We all went to the Hotel Spa. It was nice enough; split by gender. The men's side had free drinks, all the shaving cream you could eat, a deliciously hot whirlpool, a sauna (the hottest I'd come across in the states - European hot) and a stream room. Furthermore there was a seated area with a telly showing sports - for us a college football game between Oregon and Oregon State. Stereotype observation warning: It was amusing that there were a few men just sat there in robes relaxing watching the football in a seemingly wife-free state. There was no hurry to move along whatsoever... The ladies side apparently had lovely pastel music and a telly showing some Martha Steward inspired nonsense - no gender attitude fixing here.

The whirlpool was fabulous. After 10 minutes we got out, sat in a chair in front of the telly and melted. We became Chairmen or chen. It took about half an hour before we could raise the energy to hit the sauna - the hardship was almost unbearable.


Proving Sanrio's primacy in the merchandising world - Hello Kitty electric guitars
Back to the batroom for getting ready and then we headed off to the Captial batGrill for Nirvana steak. On my last visit I found Fillet Mignon Zen with a lump of batbeef (urgh) that completed me. Again we came, we ate, we were satisfied. Batyummy. I even popped into the Sanrio shop to visit with Chococat, Kitty (hi!) and Badtz Maru.

Back to the room, back to bed, back to sleep.

As ever, photos of the holiday - flickr
Photos of the wedding only - flickr set

Drivel Protocol enacted - same as Zombie but with added warning that this might be pointless, enjoy.

I've noticed an odd and sad thing. Rob and I are using comments in our live journal entries to chat to each other about the holiday or other things.

We are in the same room, living almost in each others' pockets, using the same computer to blog and are proven capable of talking to each other - yet, hmmmmm.. Just saying.

Zombie Protocol enacted

Lie in - huzzah! Got up at about 11am, sigh of snorey relief. It is the holiday of Thanksgiving (a holiday celebrating people who were so hated in the UK that they moved to the US-to-be, learnt how to farm the countryside from the Indians and returned the favour with the art of genocide). We had been sort of hoping that the place would be really quiet what with the tradition being that of spending time with the family in much the same way of the Christmas family torture lunch.

We had been informed that the strip would pretty much be open as usual, but possibly with some limitations, however off-strip would be a different story. Our hope of a ghost Vegas was supported by the paper's whose research indicated that 52% of people where eating at homes and under 15% of people where travelling over 25 miles for their food.It would seem that the totality of that 15% headed for Las Vegas. The place was packed. Crowds everywhere. Bloody sheep, following us there.

No Wiis available, garrrr.

Team Holiday met up at Fatburger for breakfast/lunch and then went onto Gameworks for much game playing. Racing and shooting (but not together), good fun. Fatburger - brilliant. Best fast food burger I've tasted and that includes my beloved Schwartz in Bath; mmmmm tasty.


Words to live by
The magically married mystery Matthews joined us and we toddled along to the Star Trek Experience. Something I'd loved on my previous two visits and had really wanted to do, yet we go there and my enthusiasm had drained away. I didn't do any of the rides, but of course I popped into the shop (pah Ha!). I sat at Quark's Bar drinking coffee with alleged cream (felt like wallpaper paste) and watched Broken Bow (filthy propaganda as the Klingon called it). I had a bit of a fuggy brain, got my mood on, basically started to get outwardly grumpy. We were there for about 2 - 3 hours, and then headed over to the Bellagio. The traffic was awful, the taxi driver insisted on using the strip route, so in the end we got out at the Mirage and walked a couple of hotels down.


Fly my pretty, fly
The Bellagio - hadn't been in there before but basically it's pretty pretty pretty. Nice. But again Mr Moody-Pants was in the hotel-house so I didn't really appreciate it. Then more waiting before change of plans. I'd had enough and basically walked back home. Too many people, too many slow people, too bloody slow, grrrrr. Grabbed a slice of pizza and a hero sandwich and headed to my room. I watched some episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and a Jericho, and then read myself to sleep. A whole thanksgiving lived, not a jot of turkey eaten; didn't really enter the true spirit of the occasion.

Antisocial bastard.

As ever, photos of the holiday - flickr
Photos of the wedding only - flickr set

Zombie Protocol enacted - Basically this was written on the plane, cerebrum in stealth (need sustenance) mode, then lightly proof read back in the UK without any sleep - contents liable to be nonsense and force you to eat brains.

So where did we get to then? Ahhh yes the biggest Tat shop in the west and the magic that is the Speed thrill ride - short but satisfyingly funky. Team Holiday and the Arabs (the expat pair of the London Boys) headed back to the New York New York for an ESPN Zone meal.


Souvenirs, novelties, party tricks - sir, you dropped your fake dog poo
We were informed that there would be a 45 minute wait and 5 minutes later we were sat down at our table. I hoped that thinking wouldn't be applied to their 8oz burgers. We managed to see the footy scores and eat - who says that men can't multi-task. I had a total brain fart when the waiter asked me what I wanted to drink (a difficult one) and I couldn't speak. Alas and alack. Five attempts later I managed to croak out "room temperature water with no ice please". As a statement that seems perhaps a little redundant, yet over the last few days here in the states I'd worked out the most efficient way to ask for tepid water.

Tepid is not a good word, nor lukewarm (Luke who?). We tried room temperature which I got, but they had added ice - thus the above. I'm sure out of sight the waiters all got together to laugh at the poor weird Englishman with his funny accept and poor bubble-intolerant body. Burger was nice. I then tried to delay everyone shooting off to bed so that I could time my arrival at the Voodoo Lounge to be just right for the evening reception. Sadly with my challenged digestive system I'd learnt that it's not wise to eat too late if I want any chance of enjoying sleep, thus food now, and not in the bewitched magic of the Lounge restaurant (booked to arrive at 9.30pm).

For the meal I'd untied my bow (tie, not my delightful hair adornment) and let it hang while I soaked up the approbation of all around ("gee he looks like James Bond" was not heard to be said). Up until that point I had had at least five request for help from people - two in the taxi line, one in the Stratosphere lobby, one in the Starbucks queue, and one outside the ESPN zone - so I thought it might be safer to loo like I was off-duty.


See, it is real
One taxi trip later I arrived at the Voodoo Lounge to meet the married couple and their local relative. We passed the Gaylord Indian Restaurant which gave me a nostalgic twinge of puerile titterage. Thence up to the top of the Rio for the Voodoo eating experience.

I had two desserts for my meal here which was delightfully presented with a chocolate sail. Alina ordered a cocktail as large as her head. We chatted and it was rather pleasant, even if the music was a little too loud for my borrowed octogenarian ears. After meal we retired to the observation deck nightclub, and after a pathetic moment in time I ran away.


Admittedly I thought I was ordering a cheesecake, not this
Back at the hotel I decided to play a little more blackjack, in my dinner jacket. I dropped $30, and was very annoyed. I'd got up to just shy of even on my visit to Vegas ($120 lost to this point) and some numpties joined the table and took cards when it was bloody stupid to, and then stayed with 13 against a face up 10 - muppets. By the end of that shoe I'd leaked money faster than Falstaff larded the lean earth. So at the end of the shoe I realised that I had not really been enjoying the whole thing like I used to and I decided that I should probably concentrate of poker tournaments which I'd really enjoyed. Having said that if I could play blackjack with an actual bunch of muppets that would be fabulous, another fantasy to be added to the list. One day I may have to write all these fantasies down just to see how much fun my life really could be.

Off to bed - too knackered for anything else. Rob was asleep with the faeries.

As ever, photos of the holiday - flickr
Photos of the wedding only - flickr set

I'll have to finish this all off once I'm back in country - zzzzzz

Be well and be happy you all. We fly Saturday and should be back by Sunday jet-lagged afternoon.

A little late, sorry about that. Got rather busy and then rather anti-social. Anyway the day (Wednesday) did dawn.

We got up for breakfast at the Grand Lux Cafe again (posh Cheesecake Factory originally branded for the Venetian Hotel). Team Holiday walked there, the London Boys took a car. Their mild tardiness enabled me to scribble notes on the back of a crossword to prompt my planned extempore best man speech (yes that's oxymoronic you practitioners of pedantry - just go with it). Everyone but me had a buffet breakfast, but I saved a whole $1.55 by eating à la carte. That smugness saw me through the day, little things.

I tried to go a do a couple of things before we started, alas the best man's job is one that requires less free time (a tad optimistic of me to think otherwise). Thus after a brief trip to the Fashion Show Mall (still no Wiis available) it was time to stride back to the hotel for a shower. Rob and I made record time, a few dresses whooshing in our wake as we hit stride mach one. Rob dropped off at a cheap shirt shop to decide the lesser to two ills - a tent top or a tight strait t-shirt; a poser.

One shower later I wandered down to the shoe shine man. He was the archetypal footware enhancement technician that you see in films with scenes at Grand Central Station - slightly elderly, voice like a jazz club player, gentleman - and he shined my unbuffed shoes up a treat. In between shoes he stopped to help two older ladies use the cash machine and he was a superb flirt; he scored a number, the smooth polisher.

The a pizza slice later it was time to take Kieran to de-stress. We had a Royal Shave at the barbers that Ant used last year. I'd saved up a good five days growth for the nice man. Half an hour of counter-intuitive relaxation - man with cut-throat razor scrapes away at your face, rubs stuff in, throws hot towels on you (all in all rather wonderful) -and all was well.


Images courtesy of Sweeney Todd
I was surprised at how hard they pressed that razor in. I've used a cut throat razor before now and I had not even tried half that pressure. They really scrapped away (yet it was not unpleasant). I had my eyes closed, but I could tell what was happening my the sense of touch (be awed, yes I have a third sense!), see:

• Lie back and a hot damp cat is attached to your face
• Cat is removed and boot polish applied all over, black
• Maple syrup is liberally applied
• Wolverine steps up to the plate using his Adamantium blades to carve stubble away
• Another hot cat
• Specially thickened Mountain Dew smeared all over face
• Donning his suite of armour, the barber gets his sword to fine tune the shave
• Hot custard pie with flannel base is thrown onto face with pleasure/pain sting
• Baby oil and eucalyptus is rubbed in by a drowsy stoned Koala bear
• Robert is everyone's uncles and I am become shorn

See, a great experience. We left; I was quite relaxed but Kieran was beginning to feel the clock tick tocking it's way to a nuptial explosion. We arrived at the room and got changed. Alina was almost ready having fixed the damage done by overeager hairdressers who thought they could apply make-up not less than a few hours before. A compressed time period later the taxi pulled up at the Stratosphere.

We sorted out the minister, signed the documents and I officially witnessed my first marriage. We then paraded all the guests through the metal detector and scanner and moved on up to the observation deck. The wedding was performed just before dusk.


Love Honour and be excellent to each other
Ceremony went off without a hitch. Minister was soft spoken and did not resemble Meat Loaf and Colonel Sander's love child. Kieran and Alina made their commitments without mistakes and then that was it - they were wed. Congratulations. Alas before the ceremony kicked off Alina was asked to lose her flowers, she threw them towards me and I caught them. I don't need to tell you that retrospectively she now claims that it was her traditional toss of the bridal black spot. Time to join a buccaneering crew.


They did it and everything

Rob and I celebrated their happy moment by going on the Stratosphere roller coasters, such that they are, and had a bit of fun. Due to my lanky legs the safety harness on the x-scream didn't close over my tummy (as per other passengers) but instead left nearly a foot of room. So the car moved forward and over the edge and stopped suddenly - I was hurled forward and had a moment of doubt. Otherwise cute and tame.

By the time we had finished it was dark, the world was sparkly and half the wedding party (including the key players) had evaporated. That is it. Ended. Abandoned. So we left the tower and went to the Sahara to ride Speed (Spoon! It was aces - go ride it now), and detoured via the biggest tat shop in Vegas. All in all a good daytime.


Hold it. Now, are we actually gonna go before a federal judge, and tell him that some moldy Babylonian God is going to drop in on Central Park West, and start tearing up the city?

So the morning arrived - up and at 'em Adam Ant. Up earlier than I'd planned and set the alarum for - the dolphins had probably helped me rise early. The dolphins of exercise past and tournament present. The ghost of anything future had buggered off down the pub.

Met the holiday family for coffee and then we registered for the tournament. It turned out that I was listed as Wolf Woof. Now there's a name for poker. There were about 36 of us in the end, and I was not first out, nor second (I could go on); instead I lasted just under an hour and went out with a lovely flourish as number 23 (I think, i.e. 13th out). I played really tight, I only saw 4 flops. I won 3 hands, two of them with the whole table all folding as soon as I put a bet in - I think they had built up some respect for my play - that's an unusual feeling.

Last hand I had a pair of jacks. I limped in, then someone doubled the bet. Another player added minimum raise. At this point, having caught cold cards all the way through (the other wins were one bluff and two partial bluffs), having a decent hand, and having the same level of chips that I started with I raised all in. One person had a pair of aces, the other a pair of tens. The tens won.

Jo was came 15^th - great job. I want to play again - possibly on Thanksgiving. It was fun and quite useful. The we went to the Mirage, and whilst people travelled the world of the Secret Garden.


Signs pointing right at it, how can this be secret?!? Bloody Socialist Workers using Microsoft Works

I had a coffee and did a crossword. I'd just gotten (with difficulty) past the non-secret secret pedantry when I worked out this answer to this misleading crossword clue - "Announcement telling how to disengage one's parachute (5,7)". Now I may be suffering from knowing a little too much about the support, but Parachutes do not have any button or similar function to allow you to press release. In fact it is a rip or pull. pressing mechanisms would add yet more things to go wrong. I may have to write to the chief Telegraph compiler to register my distress at their lack of knowledge, grrrrr.

Cheesecake Factory for lunch, had part of a slice of original cheesecake for a starter, wandered around the Forum at Caesar's Palace as well as the Desert Passage shops at the Aladdin searching for all the things I wanted to find, yet nothing. I nearly bought a fantastic silk chinese shirt/coat. It was lovely, black with deep red dragons on. Very nice, not in my size. So very close.

I've written quite a lot up to now. A lot of it admittedly tedious, but I am trying to avoid the next part - while Rob went to see Casino Royale, the rest of the Holiday Family with Kieran and Alina went to Hooters.

Sigh. I feel dirty.

On the way there I felt odd. I felt like I was heading toward a twenty year old's fantasy ten years too late. So being the manly man that I am I persevered and we ate there. There was a big kitchen roll on each table and the outfits were awful - in ten years they may be fashionably retro, but my word, they were gruesome. I really struggled to lower my eyebrow and enjoy the whole Hooters experience. I just couldn't. Alas I am not a proper man, sigh. Do understand - it hits the nail on the head and achieves what it sets out to - it is the best it can be and has been refined well, it's just I felt out of my element.


My coffee was delivered in a polystyrene cup
This feeling of fish out of water, country mouse in the city, poodle in an alligator pit now makes me feel that I am betraying my gender. It's not for me, yet as a manly testosterone-filled brains-to-my-testicles sort of a chap I feel conflicted by my haughtiness and disdain for such primal urges - food and bursting norks. Odd.

Impending nuptials slap is the face tomorrow afternoon. I'll have to get my groove and grooming on. Sleep now. Sorry, but rather tired and need to bed down, so I'm floating this entry with no proof reading; sorry but then I've never trusted Klingons, and I never will. I could never forgive them for the death of Indigo Montoya's father, prepare to die.


Taking it seriously now
If anyone has any messages for the bride and groom then please email me or leave a comment here before 3.30pm today and I'll pass it on.

One sleep later and I'm so stiff. And not in a "Hello pretty lady" sort of a way either. The hips never lie and they say "gosh". Well shower now and then tournament ho.

Got up, saw Rob start his tournament, mainlined some coffee, had my first ever stromboli and then headed off to the indoor skydiving place. Then met up with Team Holiday at Quarks bar for a late lunch, headed back to clean up and went to get a dinner jacket for the wedding. Walked back from the Stratosphere, all in all a tiring day.

I am knackered.

I'll start again. I popped over to the Monte Carlo to peep at Rob playing. Whilst there I had the joy of trying a new food - the Stromboli. Pleasant enough, like the mutant love child of a pasty with a pizza - basically a rolled up glazed pizza with egg added. Rob did well in his tournament, better that I expect to do, not as well as I hope - he lasted and hour and a half and was chip leader for a little while. Bloody well done and brilliant. I saw him win his first hand before I strolled off out onto the Strip.

I walked from the Monte Carlo to the flyaway centre which is opposite the Stardust. Alas I ended up walking to the Stratosphere as I misremembered the hotel. I further misremembered the road the pace was on (Convention Centre Drive, not Conference Centre Drive - I kept asking, no one had heard of it, grrr), so had a slightly indirect wander - listened to my new iPod shuffle - fabbo. Got to the centre in time.

On the way through town I did pass the Wynn. On the board outside they were advertising, briefly, their buffet. The Wynn is one of the latest (if not newest) hotel casinos on the block, very high class, 5 star, expensive and appealing to amongst others gambling mad asians. So it is posh - alright. Pretentious even. Therefore they can't show normal food, oh no. Better to use this:


That's right, they are pushing a high class form of Alphabetti-Spaghetti

Flyaway - I went into class for the briefing and signed my life away. I confirmed I was in full mental health (he he!), that I was carrying no injuries and on no prescribed medicine. hmmmm. I did query the medicine but as I was skydiving ok with it they were happy. One fashionable set of clothes later and I was in my first wind tunnel.

My first session was awful. I was flat, floppy, tense and I sucked. Fortunately it was a hell of a laugh. With the help of an exceedingly graceful (not jealous of her skill in any way, oh no!) Kate I came on on each of the remaining four 3 minute flights until by the end I could float, I could turn and stop, I could stay on heading and do all of this withing a 3 meter diameter tunnel. We got it videoed and will see if I can get a little to air to bore you with. Meanwhile enjoy these pictures taken for my by Rob under awful lighting conditions.



fly my pretty, fly
I was very sweaty at the end. My mouth very very dry as I couldn't remember to close it when flying, waaahoooo! I'd recommend it to anyone - just to get the feel for what it is like. To be fair it is not as thrilling as freefall when jumping out a plane - a certain lack of wow and sphincter factor - but by Jove it is grand. The skill and flying feeling as you are being blasted by wind at 120mph is fabbo. Fly Away Las Vegas is a great thing to do on a visit - just go there and float now, and meet the happy bouncy lovely people.

Rest of day was nice and strolled by. Had some food, nothing excessive (curses! something wrong there) and I now have a DJ ready for Kieran's wedding.

As ever pictures of our vegas trip can be found on flickr, and I'll be trying to add more each day.

Must sleep now, even more tired and with an added dash of ache - good aching.

Lovely walk along the strip this morning having risen at about 6.30am ;curses I am affected by jet lag and it goes against the grain. It was very nice to walk through a rather cool and empty Vegas first thing. No slapping whore-card muggers trying to maul me. Very pleasant.

After the family breakfast (Grand Lux Cafe) we went shopping. No Wiis available for us today on launch day. A pox on all preorderers, I will have your blood; with the use of a generic swiss army multi-tool, some carrots and an angry marmot I will get you to resemble an evil rage-filled creature, oh yes, not unlike the not so lovely lovely lady before you. Got a new iPod shuffle - it is so twee and great. The perfect shape and size for freefalling with. Not long before I have a use, huzzah (this is hope for good weather when I return in case you were wondering).

After that did a little clothes shopping. Got some jeans and a couple of long sleeved t-shirts. Glad to see I remain as fashion-sense negative as ever (typo here before correction read "ass-fashion-sense" - not sure if more suitible a description). Late afternoon we took the batcab back to the hotel, swapped rooms and as if by magic the preordered married couple-to-be had arrived. Hurrah. Food for everyone. One Burger (I said burger) Bar - make your own, see menu - later we, with full stomachs, did wend our way through the casinos back home for an apparent rest before going to the Capital Grille for heavenly steak - no room in the stomach inn, damn you human digestive systems. I think I need to trade up with an elephant. Alas the CG had to wait for another time.

Managed to avoid the tat-trap, and then dropped $70 on a blackjack table. I got two blackjacks, but so did the dealer. Hopefully this bodes well for the poker tournament. Alas unable today, might try tomorrow evening or Tuesday morning. We'll see. Monte Carlo or bust, though hopefully not Monte Carlo and bust.

Lovely food today. Some piccies taken. Need more magic.

Want to say I'm happy again. Having fun, enjoying skydiving, and I may have found a fabulous and equally quirky woman interested in me. Does not get better than this. Hurrah! Hello birds, hello trees.

That's it.

Gosh I'm tired. Met a real live Air Marshall today, did not realise it until the end of the flight.

So we got to London on Friday afternoon and stayed at the Park Inn. Very utilitarian. The food was pretty basic, made me sort of glad to have a swallowing problem - couldn't be tempted to eat as much as I may have otherwise. However without being to unfair on them they did the job without flair or frills. They did send me up extra pillows (6!) so that was nice.

Slept the night rather badly. Much drowsy and interrupted sleep - nothing to do with my roommate Master Rob. One of the benefits of this type of sleep is that I did get some funky dreams. One had shw8634 as the statue of liberty creeping into rooms and pushing over dominoes that had been set up for record attempts. Another had Paul - and he was pregnant! That's right, bun in the oven Paul. I remember telling him (in the dream) that it was his fault - "well you did let Rosie get you blind drunk in Mexico, what did you expect?" So nice supportive friend there then.

Saw a couple of films on family-friendly-o-vision airline cinema - Talladega Nights and The Fastest and Furiest (not furriest, but that could have been a splendid film). They had their moments, and helped pass the flight that seemed to slow time. On landing a chap asked me if I lived in Chicago. I said no, and then pointed him in the direction of a local who might be able to give him directions. He then pulled out his Air Marshall badge and let me know I'd committed a minor federal sin as I'd forgotten to turn my iPod off on the landing. Whoops. He did thank me for trying to get him some local advice, but then said that he did live there.

So for those of you with the sweepstakes bet of "before arrival" for me to break something I think you can feel that you should claim your prize as I was chastised by a man with a gun. Did not loose my passport this time. I did end up with Zoolander's trolley though. In chicago the trolley could not turn left. It refused. It dressed to the right naturally, but was a real struggle to turn left (much like I'd imagine in no way whatsoever the training of sinister people to write with the god's blessed right hands, exorcise him now, free yourself of satan). Thus customs did look askew and in askance at the odd English chap who kept turning 270 degrees to go left. Joy.


We landed safely, got our kit and were received at the Hotel - the fabulous New York New York. A room had been booked for Rob and I - a twin with two queens. Of course a joke was made about us being two old queens - certainly we could come across married (in a non-swingers way of course) with our bickering. However when we got to the room they must have thought we were as instead of a twin we had a one kingsize bed - oh joy.

We checked with reception - no non-smoking twins left for the night. Rob refused to sleep with me. So we now have a musty dusty fug of a room for one night. Still, having been up for 24 hours now after a bad nights sleep I reckon it is joyous deep sleep time.

Had steak, so happy now. Good night all. Great weather for jumping tomorrow over your way.